5. Joining an XFL fantasy football league
XFL. You probably just laughed out loud and I didn't even make a joke. The WWE-sponsored football league was supposed to be extreme. No fair catches and um... nicknames on the back of their jerseys. A combination of shitty football and a general lack of extremity lead to abysmal ratings for the XFL, and it folded after just one season.
I have a confession to make. I joined an XFL fantasy football league and actually enjoyed it. I owned players like Tommie Maddox, Jose Cortez, and Rod "He Hate Me" Smart. Why did I do this? I was young and impressionable. My young mind believed the XFL was going to be awesome. I mean, the league was run by Vince McMahon and he ran the WWE... maybe Hulk Hogan or Superfly Jimmy Snuka would play one day. Well, the fun lasted about one week as most of the games weren't shown on TV after that. Did I win my XFL league? No. Did I lose my pride and dignity by not finishing first? No. I lost my pride and dignity simply by playing in an XFL fantasy league.
4. Realizing your home team sucks
As a young man, I loved my Detroit Lions. They had Barry fucking Sanders! I thought they were all kinds of awesome. But when I reached the tender age of 5, it hit me. The Lions sucked. They were terrible. Wayne "Big Bucks" Fontes always had this "When the are they going to fire my goofy looking ass?" attitude, and Scott Mitchell... more like Scott... Bitchell! Gotcha bitch! As for Herman Moore and Barry Sanders- well, I just felt bad for them. Two great players stuck on a miserable team. Marty Morningwheg... are you sure you really wanna kick off in overtime? What the hell were you thinking? Joey Harrington, Matt Millen, Mike Williams, Charles Rogers, Bobby Ross, Olandis Gary? Sigh.
Realizing your home team sucks isn't so bad. At least you aren't like Cubs fans. They actually think their team has a chance every year! How to tell if you are a Cubs fan: you hear laughter as you walk away. Oh and speaking of home teams that suck, I have a quick joke. What kind of battery shocks a Michigan football fan? one double A... HAHAHAHAHA... suck it Lloyd.
You had it at one point....
3. Realizing you are not the next Joe Montana, Roger Clemens, Wayne Gretzky, or Kurt Rambis.
We all had big sports dreams when we were younger. Throwing a pass like Dan Marino, scoring the game winner in OT like Mario Lemieux, flying like Michael Jordan, or eating gratuitous amounts of food and still getting paid millions of dollars to be an athlete like Cecil Fielder. You practiced and practiced by yourself in your backyard. Then, the first recess of middle school came and it was your time to shine. All of that practice was going to pay off. You were given the chance to play quarterback. Your first pass... picked off. Your next chance... you just got sacked. You sucked at sports PLUS no one liked you because you were a loser.
Once you realized real sports weren't for you, you moved on to things like fantasy football and NBA Live.
2. Losing in a fantasy sport
You play tons of Madden and watch Sportscenter highlights all of the time. You know who is going to get you the most fantasy points. Just the other day, Jason Witten scored like 3 touchdowns in your Madden franchise. It had to be his season to blow up.
Well, Jerious Norwood and Drew Brees are killing your franchise season. Waiver wires have been picked clean and your heart has a dull ache. Oh well, maybe Tom Brady will break his leg this week and you will have a chance to scrape out a victory against your best friend's wife's team.
1. Resorting to playing curling on your Olympics video game for the N64.
You are the Canadian curling team and you are brushing the shit out of that ice. Yeah, knock those stones around! What has your life come to?
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