All aboard Air Galactic Confederacy! This is your captain John Travolta speaking.We have some special guests flying with us today! Give a warm, thetan-y welcome to Tom, Danny, Lisa, James, Greta, L. Ron, Charles, Kirstie, and Beck!

L.Ron Scandal (L. Ron Hubbard)

You love to spin a creative yarn. While most of your story telling is science fiction, you'll have everybody believing it's fact! You have a hard time remembering important details in your life and lying will get you into trouble. You are a natural born leader. Stay away from "Fair and CRAZZZZZYYYY!" but look to marry an "Oops... I ate all the thetons."

 

Captain of the Galactic Confederacy (John Travolta)

At one point, you were on top of the world. You had a promising career and people loved you! Now, your life is becoming more like Battlefield Earth and less like Saturday Night Fever. Try and pick up the pieces before it's too late. "Surfin' for Thetons" and "My Name Is Xenu" will help you get to where you need to go. Stay away from "Ooops... I ate all the thetans" types as they will only weigh you down- even worse news considering how your weight problems are already an issue.

 

Fair and CRAZZZZZYYYY! (Greta Van Susteren)

Despite the facelifts and blepharoplasty, you're still ugly as shit. Think about the possibility of a life devoid of love and meaning as you audit your life away. A "Hooked on Dianetics worked for me!" Scientologist will be the closest thing you have to a friend. Keep away from everyone else.

 

That Auditing Show (Danny Masterson)

You're a slacker. You'd rather sit around, smoke weed, and study your ARC triangle than do anything productive. "Surfin' for Thetans" is the Yin to your Yang. The authority and power of "The way to Happiness is going to my movies!" will scare you- keep your distance. You might also find yourself on a syndicated television sitcom with Ashton Kutcher. Just warning you.

 

Oops!... I ate all the thetans! (Kirstie Alley)

Watch out L. Ron! "Oops!... I ate all the thetans!" has reached a State of Clear... plate that is! You're a bit big for your britches. At first you thought Scientology was the name of a hip, new buffet, but once you got inside and had your first bite of thetans, the other Scientologists wouldn't let you leave. Go to "L.Ron Scandal" for guidance but stay away from everybody else. Your hunger scares them.

 

My Name is Xenu (Jason Lee)

Funny, charming, and alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy are all words that do you justice. Take billions of people, place them around volcanoes, and use those hydrogen bombs to blow everything up today. "In my past life I was talented!" will try and give you trouble so blow up her soul first. Make sure that L.Ron catches wind of what you're up to.

 

Surfin' for Thetans (Tom Cruise)

Surf's up fucktard! You are a crazy son of a bitch! Jumping and screaming are your favorite! Stay away from "The Way To Happiness is going to the movies!" and keep company with "Captain of the Galactic Confederacy." He'll guide you to the Freewind and back. As a side note, make sure not to let your new love interest out of your life- you're gonna need all the lifeforce you can get when Xenu comes back.

 

I'm a Scientologist baby, so why don't ya kill me? (Beck)

"In the time of Lord Xenu, I was a thetan." Lay off the drugs. Go through Narconon and clean up your act. You have a lot of potential and people still don't know you are a Scientologist so you are still well liked. "In my past life I was talented!" will try and emulate your abilities but will undoubtebly fail. Marry a "That Auditing Show".

 

In my past life I was talented (Lisa Marie Presley)

You have lived your life in your father's shadow. Your claim to fame isn't your music; it's the fact that you married Michael Jackson. Consider alcoholism as an quick fix. If that doesn't work, maybe try drugs (I hear heroin prices are on the decline these days). Call on "L. Ron Scandal" to get you through your tough time.

 

Hooked On Dianetics worked for me! (Charles Manson)

While not a true Scientologist, you borrow heavily from Scientology philosophy. You happen to be a serial killer but who can blame you- you've been exposed to Scientology for Xenu's sake! Try to resist getting that crude forehead tattoo you've always wanted. By the time I suggest a love interest for you, they'll already be dead so fuck it. Your soul was meant to coast the galaxy alone.

 

Try My Chocolate Salty Thetans (Isaac Hayes)

You have huge thetans. Big, salty, tasty thetans. You were well-liked until you joined this fruity little organization. Thankfully, you found the woman of your dreams in "Oops!...I ate all the thetans!" Watch out though! No one can have just one of your chocolate salty balls.

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