Have any of you ever put "veggies" into a Yahoo! Image Search? I can assure you that the vegetables in the first few pictures have less to do with a healthy diet and more to do with vaginas. In case you were wondering.

Let me preface this list by saying that I've got no "beef" with vegetables. Rather, my problem with the green stuff is more deeply rooted in its lack of beef, coincidentally. I am not a rabbit. I am the descendent of cavemen who devoured the flesh of saber-tooth tigers and woolly mammoths. I have sharp teeth structurally designed for eating meat, and goddamn it, I intend to do so at every opportunity. I haven't the patience nor the acquired taste to waste my time with foods that can't be served to me with a pink, bloody center. As a result, my diet has been bovine-heavy since I was old enough to reject a spoonful of Gerber's. I suspect my personal food pyramid would look more like this:

As you can see, I rely heavily on the meat of cows, pigs, and small children in order to function on a day-to-day basis. Vegetables do not provide the specific type of fuel that I require; especially these ten particularly disgusting varieties.

10. Turnips

Outside of serving as projectile weapons in Mario Bros. 2, I see no purpose for turnips. In fact, I'm going to stay away from any "food" that has dark green leaves at its top and two things that look like testicles at the bottom.

9. Celery

Celery is one of the most disgusting things I have ever put into my mouth. I relate the texture to chewing on thousands of starchy strands of unwashed human hair soaked in spit. Even peanut butter can't save this stuff. "But celery has negative calories! You burn 15 calories every time your body digests a stalk!" Fuck off. I would rather chew the leather on my shoes than make it a point to eat strands of shit to cut calories.

8. Tomatoes

I can handle ketchup. I love spaghetti and pizza sauce. But put a raw tomato in my face and I will throw it back at you as hard as I can.

7. Cucumbers

I mentioned in this article's introduction that you should never look up vegetables in a Yahoo! or Google image search. Well, take that advice and apply it to cucumbers too. Evidently, there are folks out there who agree with me- this veggie makes a better sex toy than it does a food. Besides, I prefer my cucumbers pickled. Does that make me a bad person?

6. Radishes/ Beets

What the fuck is a radish? How is a beet any different? How can you tell either from a turnip? Screw this stuff- if you can't put it on a cheeseburger, I don't want it.

5. Peas

I don't trust any food that finds safety in numbers in nature. What dastardly ideas are those peas pondering while in their pod? You might think I'm crazy, but when the pea-people take over and slay your first-born in the middle of the night, you're gonna hearken back to this article and say aloud "Shit, he was right."

4. Romaine Lettuce

If I offered you a plate full of weeds that I picked out of my backyard, would you eat them? Shit no, you wouldn't! And as far as I'm concerned, romaine lettuce = weeds. I can tolerate the iceberg variety, but only because it lacks nutritional value and makes a great vessel for bacon, ham, pepperoni, cheese, and 24 oz. of ranch dressing.

3. Cauliflower

Can anyone say "venereal disease"? Me too, and ever since I saw genital warts for the first time in health class in 6th grade, I have been unable to even think about eating cauliflower.

2. Spinach

I'm sure as shit not eating any spinach. Why, you may ask? I have my reasons. Take my obvious lack of anchor tattoos on my forearms, for example.

1. Broccoli

Broccoli- the king of all disgusting vegetables. I can't think of any food in the entire world that wouldn't be at least tolerable when covered in nacho cheese... except broccoli. Even when I pretend I am a giant that eats trees, I cannot bear to take a single bite of this hell-spawn.

 

What vegetables did I miss? It is your manly obligation to post them in the comments!

 

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