Who is Stretch Armstrong? A toy? A man? An American hero?

Armstrong is all of these things, but more importantly, he is a role model and an inspiration to millions of gymnasts, acrobats, and everyone who has ever dropped a quarter between their car door and seat. He has touched the lives of anyone who ever felt that they couldn't stretch any further...but then did anyway, only to have their skin break open and puss with a purple goo.

Despite having to stretch himself to the limit for over 30 years, Armstrong is still an active member of society today. Arabian Monkey caught up with him working on his leathery tan at a local beach.

 

Arabian Monkey: Stretch, you have been a staple in American play things since the 1970's. What would you say has made you so successful?

Stretch Armstrong: Well, you've gotta be flexible in this industry. You have to be easy going, but you've got to stretch yourself pretty far sometimes. And you have to have staying power. Look at G.I. Joes for example. American children are inbred with the bloodlust to kill people, so army figurines will always have a place in society. Look at it this way- grown American males are going overseas to kill innocent people, therefore, kids back home are just practicing for when they are old enough to do the real thing.

 

Arabian Monkey: Point well taken. You haven't always had that staying power, however. Your sales nose-dived in the late '80s, and then you were re-released in the early 1990's.

Stretch Armstrong: Yeah, that re-release probably saved my life. I had all of this royalty money coming to me from Kenner Toy Company, and I didn't know how to spend it. I bought a bunch of tanning memberships, Colgate teeth whitening strips, and a few new pairs of swim trunks... but after that, I didn't have much else to waste it on.

 

Arabian Monkey: Is that when you turned to drugs?

Stretch Armstrong: Yes, that was the first time I ever tried any illegal substances. I bought a quarter ounce of pot from a couple shady looking toys, Shaggy and Scooby. They were selling some chronic out of the back of their van... Kept talking about catching ghosts and monsters and some shit. I've never been so high. Before I knew it, I was hooked. In the summer of '89 two market researchers from Kenner found me snorting a line off of Malibu Barbie's ass in the bathroom of the Ninja Turtles playset. It was the worst day of my life.

Stretch Armstrong, was studly and elastic as ever after his re-release in 1990. However, nowadays Mr. Armstrong appears to be a shell of his former self (note the diaper).

 

Arabian Monkey: I'd imagine. Talk about your re-release and your canine friend "Fetch Armstrong."

Stretch Armstrong: Well, Kenner thought that American kids could probably use a toy to stretch out, probably to vent their Cold War anxiety. I was the man to call. I got a new look and a new friend- Fetch has always been good to me. Most people don't know it, but PETA wasn't too fond of a toy animal that you could twist, pull, stretch, and torture. It wasn't until the Michael Vick case that we stopped getting angry letters from them.

 

Arabian Monkey: What would you consider your greatest achievement?

Stretch Armstrong: Well, I played with the Harlem Globetrotters for a year in '91, that was pretty amazing. They kicked me out of the league though, ranting about some complaints they were getting about my full court dunks. But I would have to say my greatest achievement was taking a trip to the moon with the Russian Space program. It only cost me 100,000 rupees and a bottle of Stoli vodka.

Stretch Armstrong's first steps on the moon

 

Arabian Monkey: I know this is difficult, but tell me about the tug of war incident of '94.

Stretch Armstrong: The day started out just like any other. I was making a move on a Smurfette doll over a game of Twister, when this kid plucked me out of the toy box and took me outside. I didn't think much of it. He started stretching out my arms and legs, like usual, but then three other neighborhood kids joined in. They each grabbed one of my limbs and started running in opposite directions. It went from casual stretching to gratutitous contortion. I stretched and stretched, but those kids kept pulling. It was horrific. All of a sudden my skin tore open, first at the shoulders, then down my arms toward my wrist. The pulling had ripped my flesh down to my insides, and a purple, beady goo rushed out from my wounds. Only then did the kids stop pulling.

Fuuuuuuucccckkk!!!

 

Arabian Monkey: What happened next?

Stretch Armstrong: <sobs> One of the kids yelled "Gross!" and another was dared to taste my blood. It was sick... a grotesque ritual. One of the children then threw me into a trash can, like I was some disposable broken toy.

 

Arabian Monkey: How did you recover from something so terrible?

Stretch Armstrong: Luckily, one of the Care Bears saw me get thrown away, so she alerted everyone at the Star Wars playset. Han Solo flew his Millenium Falcon over and saved me from an untimely death. I was thrown onto the "Operation" table, where Dr. Mario had a look at me, and managed to repair my wounds with minimal permanent stretching/scarring.

 

Arabian Monkey: What an inspirational comeback story. One last question- you obviously have a lot of spare time nowadays, what are you doing with it?

Stretch Armstrong: Oh, the usual. Sometimes I'll pretend I'm a swing set to meet girls at the park. Other times I'll use my arms as makeshift bridges for people to cross bodies of water. But most of the time, I'm just getting out-of-reach things for other people.

Arabian Monkey: Thanks for the interview Stretch, we wish you the best of luck.

Stretch Armstrong: Keep on reaching for your dreams baby.

 

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