This article is for all the college freshman out there, and all those students who ever had second thoughts about where they had chosen to go to school. Maybe you were suckered in by a pretty campus. Maybe you liked the dorm rooms. Maybe you fell in love with the cover of the school's brochure, featuring nice pictures of good looking people playing sports, working out, studying, and looking quite interested during a serious lecture time. Yet when you arrived you found something completely different. The campus was infested with homeless people. The dorm rooms smelled like sewage. And the good looking people playing sports were actually three pot heads kicking around a hackey sack. Then you thought to yourself- maybe I should start shopping around for a new place to spend $21,000 a year...

 

10. Over half of the people that attend the school are over the age of 50.

You may be thinking that old people aren't a serious problem. I mean, they don’t live on campus and generally, you don’t see them outside of class. But what will really make you want to suck on a shotgun is the class time that these old people eat up. It is one thing to have to sit through a two hour lecture on the industrial revolution; it is quite another to have to survive that lecture with a fifty-two year old man sitting next to you. He asks stupid questions, attempts to correct the professor, and then argues with him. He inevitably ends up talking about his own life experiences, which usually leads into a story about his kids or the way things used to be. If you hate old people as much as I do, you need to check out one of my previous articles, The Top Ten Things Old People Would Destroy.

 

9. Campus security's biggest problems are unsanctioned LAN parties.

I received this letter from PartiBoi44 (a current Florida resident). He writes:
Dear Arabian Monkey,
One night I was peacefully studying in my dorm. Suddenly, I heard a pounding on the door. I began to reach for the handle, just as eight campus security guards kicked my door down, maced me, and zip-tied my hands behind my back. “Clarence,” the head campus cop, put his steel-toed boot on my spine, as they searched my room for other students. He told me that there were rumors of an illegal, unsanctioned LAN party which was to be “goin’ down” tonight in my building. I transferred the next semester.

 

8. The local liquor stores carry CAT-V cables instead of kegs.

Owning a liquor store near a college campus has got to be a profitable business venture. But the last time you and your bros went to "Big Boozin' Al's Beers and Ales" they weren’t just out of kegs...they had stopped carrying them. The manager, Ahmed, tells you that all he carries now are CAT-V cables, batteries for wireless controllers, and wireless internet cards. And when you look at him funny, he tells you that he has bootleg copies of Halo 3 in the back, 3 for $50.

 

7. Your school is known for its national champion mathletes.

There is nothing better than waking up on a crisp Saturday morning in October, throwing some meat on the grill, packing up a cooler with some chips and a couple of cold ones, and heading out to the big game. That is, unless you are going to see the North Dakota Institute's Pythagreans take on the Ragin’ Equations of Fargo Poly-Technical. No one wants to see a competition between two geeks pwning one another in the areas of abstract algebra and quantum physics.

 

6. Your roommate complains about how personalized pocket-protectors sold out on the first day of school.

Everyone hates having to make a trip to the bookstore before classes start up, and unless you get there before 8:00am, you have to wait all day. But imagine your surprise when on the eve of the new semester you see people camping outside the bookstore entrance. The morning after, your pass your new roommate as he frolicks through campus. He grins at you and says "Sorry Albert, you should have camped out like the rest of us. I can't describe the rush- the smell of new books, crisp college ruled paper, and the feel of a stiff, personalized, pocket-protector in your shirt. I am sooooo ready for school!" You immediately plot an intricate way to cover up his inevitable murder.

 

5. The Guy to Girl ratio exceeds 5:1

The first question on all high school senior guys’ minds before choosing a school to attend should be- "what is the guy/girl ratio?" Don’t be afraid to ask, it is a serious question. And if a college recruiter will not tell you or says “we don’t keep track of that information,” tell him to give you a call when he gets it because you aren’t interested. If the recruiter just gives you a number, make sure he clarifies what it means. He might say 6:1, leaving you to think there are six girls for every guy, but really he means six guys for every girl. As a general rule, schools with a 4:1 guy/girl ratio (or higher), do not take into account the appearance of that 25% of the student population. Always go with a greater girl to guy ratio, just to be safe, because you never know how incredibly ugly that small percentage of women could be.

 

4: If your school name includes the words "Poly," "Tech," or "Institution" (Excluding Virginia Tech and Texas Tech)

They say never to judge a book by its cover, but you can judge a school by its name. Do you really think that the busty blonde bio-chemical bombshell engineer that you see on TV is really going to be in your Chem. II class next semester? No, don’t kid yourself. "Tech" stands for technical or technology, which in the end really stands for homely, awkward, pale, ugly chicks. It is a scientific fact. Instead of attending the school, you're probably better off imagining your blonde science lab beauty in an adult video of your choice.

 

3. If random flash drive searches are made to discourage virus creation.

Since the "Storm" virus was uploaded in computer lab C at your podunk Midwest Technology Institution (they should have seen it coming with that kind of name), all across the nation security guards just like “Clarence” have equipped their forces with a small portable device for checking the files on your flash drive. You were searched, and over the din of panicked screams your classmates could hear you shout “Get your hands out of my pants! I don’t even know what a flash drive is!”

 

2. Class was cancelled for the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Why the hell were you the only person to show up for your English 112 class this morning? Walking back to your dorm you saw hundreds of people outside the bookstore (again). There were nerds everywhere- laying in the grass, sitting against trees, on benches, and... hey! Isn’t that your English teacher?!? You approach her and explain how the lights were off and the door was locked when you came to class, and she just stares at you like you are a 7ft. tall Chinese albino monkey, juggling midgets dressed up as presidential candidates (don’t drop Hillary, she’s a biggin’!). Your teacher tells you that Harry Potter 7 came out today and subsequently fails you because you hadn’t read the first six books. The college denies your appeal, they think you deserved that grade, you muggle.

 

1. Your college has its own World of Warcraft server.

This was the last straw. You received an e-mail from the university explaining the recent crash of computers across campus due to the overwhelming amount of World of Warcraft play. Therefore, the administration decided to institute a WoW server exclusive to your school. The present 16 guilds are to disband and are free to re-assemble on the new server. You are confused because you have never played World of Warcraft, and you're fairly sure Jesus wouldn't approve of it, but you can't even hear yourself think over the cheers echoing through the hallways. Time to transfer.

 

 

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