It appears as if Rosie’s chances to snag a gig as a primetime television show host have crumbled before they were ever fully realized.  We here at Arabian Monkey couldn’t be happier.  Sure MSNBC will miss out on capturing that niche market of viewers who are dying to see a 500 lb. wildebeest strut her stuff and make terrible screeching noises.  But we’re pretty sure that the TV world will be better off without that audience being fully realized.  So without further ado, here are the top ten reasons Rosie lost her show…

10) MSNBC couldn’t afford wide-lens cameras

                Sure they can afford wide-lens cameras, but not THAT wide.  MSNBC dabbled with the idea of placing cameras at the top of the Sears tower, but ultimately decided it was in both Rosie and Chicago’s best interests that she stay away.  After all, is it really worth the risk of drawing Rosie O’Donnell to the city best known for deep dish pizzas?

Another idea was to use the hubble telescope for filming, but MSNBC decided to scrap those plans.

 

9)  Tom Cruise contractual obligations

   The only thing that has been documented better than Rosie’s lesbian tendencies is her infatuation with all things Tom Cruise.  Industry sources say a hold up occurred when Rosie demanded 3 slots would be set aside each season for Cruise.  What’s scarier than Tom Cruise jumping up and down on a couch?  Rosie O’Donnell jumping up and down with him.

 

8)  4 out of 5 young children are terrified of Rosie

                She’s fat, she’s loud, and she has an insatiable appetite for human flesh (okay, that last one may be stretching it).  As far as my 6-year old cousin can tell, Rosie is one set of fangs away from being as scary as the boogey man.

 

7)  Death threats

                No, not on her life (damn).  MSNBC couldn’t find an insurer that would cover their asses for filming of Rosie’s new show.  The problems arose when it was documented that if Rosie couldn’t beat Larry King in ratings, she would simply eat him: suspenders, old man sack, glasses, and all (fat jokes never get old)!  Which leads us to…

"I could fit your owly head inside my mouth!"

 

6)  CNN was bringing out the big guns

                CNN doesn’t fuck around when it comes to challenging Larry King’s time slot.  To show they meant business, they dug up shameful videos of Rosie acting in “Riding the Bus with my Sister.”  Some say Rosie was simply acting a part; others say the video was actually part of a reality show gone wrong where Rosie lost her mind and acted mentally handicapped before she finally gave in and accepted that she loved women.

 

 

5)  Britney Spears wears panties now!

                For the most part, Rosie’s laughs come from making fun of the likes of Britney Spears, Paula Abdul, and other celebrities (tough subjects, we know).  Now that Paula handles making fun of herself weekly with her new reality show on the E! Network and Britney has chosen to wear panties, network officials realized Rosie really didn’t have any new material.

What doesn't belong in this picture?

 

4)  The Rosie O’Donnell Show

                Yes, in case you forgot, Rosie had a show once before in the mid-to-late 90's.  Once clips resurfaced midway through negotiations, the offer dropped faster than Rosie on a prospective female guest list.  She wasn’t nearly as amusing as Ellen DeGeneres would have been.

 

3)  Barbara Walters’ cat conspiracy

                Yes, its true Barbara Walters believes her cats talk.  Rumor is, Walters called MSNBC and told them her cats told her that Rosie abused them.  Sure they didn’t believe her, but network execs realized that for the past year Rosie has played second fiddle to women who genuinely believe her cats talk to her!

 

2)  Rosie tested very poorly with Chinese audiences

                When Rosie gets desperate for laughs, she gets really desperate.  In fact, when she becomes nervous, oftentimes she’ll bust into a fake Chinese-speaking routine that she learned from a toddler.  Apparently it’s funnier when you’re still eating Gerber.  In any case, racism isn’t funny- at least not to network executives who need Yao Ming and his friends to buy their shit.

 

1. The Donald Trump Feud

                I’m sure the feud between these two means something to them, but to the rest of us it’s played out.  Rosie wanted to put in a 10 minute segment where she would make Donald Trump jokes.  This was apparently the last straw for executives at MSNBC.  Although there are numerous jokes that could be made about Trump and his 26 ex-wives, his comb over, or his inability to stay on top, they aren’t nearly as funny coming from a fat, loud-mouthed lesbian who could honestly use some grooming tips from Trump (as sad as that sounds). Her insistence on the segment assured execs that Rosie’s futile attempts to stay in the news were simply attempts to cover up the fact that she has a crush on Trump’s new wife.