5)  Unexplainable rashes have appeared on your junk.


            When you started a sexual relationship with your girlfriend you recall being told she had never contracted an STD.  In fact, you both were checked out by family physicians.  But lately you’ve been itching, and you’re quite certain you know the difference between jock itch and “my girlfriend is a whore who gets around syndrome".  Don’t beat yourself up over this one, pal, it happens to the best of us.  Sure it may have been dumb to let your girl insist on going to Ricardo’s personal exercise bike training, but worse things could have happened.  Like what is going to happen to Ricardo’s dog after he falls asleep tonight…

4)  Fat women suddenly seem like an attractive option.

We all have standards, but when our women become so annoying that we resort to fatties and grannies we have a problem.  Sure, you thought you loved your girl once; but that was before she began to insist on doing those things that annoy you so much.  You know, those habits that you hated so much after the first week of getting to know her- like “talking,” “eating,” and “breathing.”

3)  Your dream of a hot threesome with her best friend has been replaced with the dream of a hot sandwich.

            Didn’t that woman used to make you sandwiches?!?  What ever happened to those days?  Don’t get me wrong, the threesome would still be nice but so would a nice meal once in a while.  You’ve worked 9 hours today, she had to talk your mother on the phone.  Why are you freaking rubbing her feet while you order in for the 5th time this week???

2)  “You’ve got 23 new messages, and 4 saved messages…"

This is your fault, man.  You should have known better than to leave that cell phone in the car while you pumped 3 gallons of gas and paid inside.  How was she supposed to know that you weren’t run over by a semi-truck or attacked by a swarm of Africanized bumblebees?  If you had stayed in constant contact with your girlfriend she wouldn’t have had to call you all of those times.

1)  You just had sex… and you didn’t have to beg.

Stranger things have happened, right?  Wrong!  After three years you should know better than to think sex is sex.  If you haven’t ritualistically begged for 3 hours, bought her a new car, or spent the afternoon talking with her mother, then you have no reason to be getting booty tonight!  Who knows what she’s done?  But one thing is certain, you don’t want any part of this.  Women are sexual camels- if she’s willing to sleep with you, chances are your best friend just became your worst enemy, she’s used up all the money in your savings account, or she ate the last freakin’ bag of pizza rolls!  Either way that bitch ought to be packing her bags.

            So there you have it, five sure signs that your relationship is going down the tubes.  No one ever said ending this thing was going to be easy, but have some dignity friends.  She may cry, she may tell you she hates you, hell she may even kick you in the balls- but you’ve come out on top.  Valentine's day is approaching and you can be the first guy hitting on a sloppy girl at the bar who similarly got dumped when her boyfriend read this same article.  It’s the cycle of life, except all that weird shit about plants, animals, and photosynthesis.  With any luck this girl won’t remember your name tomorrow morning, and if she does you might have a solid 3 weeks before you have to re-examine this list…

Also make sure to check out Five Signs Your Relationship is Over: Girl's Edition!

 

 

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