(Helena)- Miley Cyrus, the star of Disney's hit television show "Hannah Montana," has annexed the entire state of Montana following a bloody coup that lasted nearly three days.
Cyrus and her self-assembled militia began their attack on the nation's 41st state under the cover of darkness Friday evening. By the time her show aired Saturday morning, Cyrus had taken control of Montana's biggest city, Billings, named after William Ings, the inventor of the paperclip. Cyrus maintained her stronghold through the day, fighting off animal, man, and tourist alike as twilight fell on the "Big Sky State."
Cyrus then led her troops through the small Rocky Mountain villages that make up most of the countryside, seizing each from the unsuspecting and generally complacent natives.
After exchanging pleasantries with Cyrus at a private concert last fall, dictator Fidel Castro agreed to rename Cuba's capitol city "Havannah Montana."
At approximately 5:45pm on Sunday, television stations around the country announced that the capitol of Helena had fallen at the hands of the mighty 16-year old Hannah Montana. Cyrus looked unremorseful as she tore down the state's flag from the capitol building, replacing it with one emblazoned with her own face.
"I christen this land... MONTANA!", shouted Cyrus as she stood before the modestly assembled crowd.
A group of her fans approached Miley as she paraded through the cold, hard streets of Helena. All that the fans wanted was an autograph, but instead they were held at gunpoint in an impromptu ceremony where they were sworn into her ever-growing personal military. The "Hannah Montana" fans, not one of them over the age of 14, were beaten unmercifully until they agreed to don militant regalia and march through the newly conquered city.
After nearly an hour, Cyrus halted her victory march and stopped to pose for the paparazzi, taking the time to answer questions about her new real estate acquisition.
"Miley, you've just taken over the 4th largest state in the union- what do you plan to do with it?", asked one reporter.
Holding the freshly severed head of a Montana State Police Officer, Cyrus giggled and replied with a charming smile.
This is how Miley Cyrus fan ages 0-14 see her.
This is how Miley Cyrus fans
ages 14 and up see her.
"Well, I'd like to turn Montana's 3 entrances to the Grand Canyon into concert venues for my fantastic shows. And I'd like to sell all these trees to tree-needy people in the Amazon rain forest."
Although Miley Cyrus has yet to prove whether or not she can manage a state, she has certainly proven that she can manage her role as America's sweetheart. Death tolls from her memorable coup are likely in the thousands, but it is unlikely that she will face any charges if she is ever captured. Heck, if Britney Spears can flash her lady parts and Lindsay Lohan can abuse drugs and both can get away with it, how could you dare come after Miley Cyrus simply for leading a coup and annexing a state?
The newly dubbed "Hannah Montana" is escorted
through the ranks of her assembled militia.
I spoke with some native Montanianarians (?) about how they feel about their new dictator.
" I like her show. My cousin's best friend's ammunition supplier sings in 'dat band Big & Rich, and he got some Hannah Montana tickets one time," explained David Wharton, a Montana native. After several seconds of silence, David was asked if he was going to finish his story, to which he sharply replied "Hells yes I'mma finish my sammich!" Wharton then took off in a dead sprint.
Shawn Brown, a Billings resident had insight on the situation as well. "I think I just saw a moose," he said, wandering off like a mosquito drawn into a bug zapper.
While no other future plans of annexation lie on the horizon for Miley Cyrus, one can never rule out a sequel. "I've been thinking a lot about taking over a province," said Cyrus. "I think it's cute that Canadians try to be like us and make up different names for their states. I could probably use British Columbia as a site for my fan club."
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