Background Info:
Caligula, born Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus (known affectionately as "Jules") was a Roman emperor who ruled from 37-41 A.D. Not much is known about his life, but (according to Wikipedia) "Apparently, though popular with the Roman public throughout his reign, surviving sources, although scarce, reportedly focus upon anecdotes of Caligula's alleged cruelty, extravagance and sexual perversity, suggesting that he was an insane tyrant."
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Truly, it was love at first sight...
My Dear Mighty Caligula,
I'm not much for the spoken word, so I hope thou shalt take mercy upon me reading my hapless love letter.
We shared great revelry at the gala last Friday hosted by the Roman Association for Man Boy Love Affairs (RAMBLA). My loins were set ablaze by your sculpted figure and your boyish charm; lest not forget your oily, erect, 7-inch genitalia. I can still recall it; your silky, slightly glittery body enveloped betwixt your soiled emperor's robe, only suggestively hiding your Roman Sausage (of which you had so kindly brought plenty to share). I was taken aback, and dost knoweth only one thing- I am, truly, madly, in love with you.
I shall quoteth one of the great Roman poets and lauriets, T-Pain:
Got the body of a God
Got eyes with a peak of brown, see you sir
Droppin' robes
He comin' down from his throne
To tha flo'
Yea, He dost knoweth what he is doing,
Yea, Yea, Yea
He doin' that emp'ror thang
I need to get Him o'er to mine domicile, and do that night thang
'Cause I'm in love with an emp'ror
Oy, that jam truly gets my love maker a-twitter.
These coins with your brazen image are the only instruments
I own that can begin to satiate my fantasies.
Ye have made me fall so deeply in love, mine Caligula, that I am willing to overlook all of thine faults just to rule alongside you, and be cast upon your mighty staff (hopefully multiple times a day). But nay, I am just a peasant boy, with nothing to offer thou that another, stouter 8-year-old boy-child could not give you. But I pledge my loyalty, and all of myself, and all of my supple hind-quarters to you, Caligula.
I knoweth of your faults; how you executed men without fair trials, how you forced loyal servants including your wife, father-in-law, and cousin to commit suicide, and how you auctioned off the lives of gladiators to raise money for the Senate. I also know about how you wasted money building a bridge in your honor, causing the starving deaths of hundreds, and about how you wanted to erect a statue of yourself in the temple of Jerusalem. I have even heard of how you prostituted your three sisters, and how you tried to make your horse, Incitatus, a consul and a priest.
These things matter not to me- for I know there have been other boys before me, just as there will be more after. Lest, I wish to be yours, if only for the now.
So please, cast down your leafy laurel, and slowly remove your elegant golden sandals. Rub your baby-soft hands,unweathered by the fields, up your strong legs, upon your abdomen. Now shake off that pesky robe, and let me lay mine eyes upon the one tyrannical emperor that really makes me glad to be an eager Roman child...
And as they say, "When in Rome... give it up to Caligula." Or something like that.
With Love; Truly, Madly, Deeply,
(A Savage Garden song that won't written for another 1,950 years)
Erin, your 8-year old love slave
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If this love letter hasn't given you a fix for all things Roman and tyrannical, please feel free to check out Viva Caligula!, an awesome game featured here on Arabian Monkey, courtesy of Adultswim.com.
This love letter is the second installment of a multi-part series written by The Gerk. To view the first love letter, written to a trailer park princess, you must read it via Associated Content, because...um, they own it now.
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