Spring break is every college student's favorite time of year, but without a good spot to party, you might as well stay at home. Luckily, Arabian Monkey is here to help keep you out of some of the worst hell holes in the world. This information has been gathered partially from travel agencies, but we couldn't help but give it a good old-fashioned Arabian Monkey twist.

 

5. Butte, Montana

Tagline: "Butte party '08!"

Safe to Visit if: You can easily keep your ass cheeks together.

Major Problems: Montana, in general.

Come and join the thousands of spring breakers who will be having the craziest week of their lives in sunny Butte, Montana. Check out the site of the 1917 mining disaster, which claimed the lives of one hundred and sixty-one miners, one of the worst American mining accidents to date! Also, take a stroll down Anaconda Road, where mining strikers were massacred in 1899. Once a famous mining town lined with saloons and an infamous red-light district, Butte is the hottest spot on the map.
Call 555-36-Butte

 

4. Yakutsk, Siberia

Tagline: "Приветствуйте замороженные соски!" *

Safe to Visit if: You aren't worried about civil war, and/or you think the Cold War was just a government conspiracy.

Major Problems: Alcoholism, brutally ugly women hardened by cold winters

Located on the beautiful Lena River, Yakutsk is what you Americans call “Party Central – whoop there it is!” Don’t forget your swimming suit. You crazy Americans, Yakutsk has the hottest, wildest nude beaches for your to having sexy times. Also, the rapid growth of forced labor camps make it possible for you to have many luxuries of home. We even have favorite MTV channel! Don’t forget, it is Russia- everyone drinks until they die.
Call 8-32R ask for Boris, then dial 5PY2-32-91-3453-3

*When loosely translated- "All hail to frozen nipples!"

 

3. North Korea

Tagline: "All hail Kim Jong Il!"

Safe to Visit if: You've ever seen Team America: World Police

Major Problems: Syphilis, flying ball rot, malaria, herpes simplex two, gonorrhea, small pox, measles, most other devastating diseases known to mankind. Oh, and all that Communism stuff.

Everyone’s favorite totalitarian vacation destination is now every spring breakers paradise! Our parties are “ill,” just like our very own Kim Jong. Boasting more human rights violations than every other nation in the world, North Korea is the place to go when you feel like letting someone else make decisions for you. The American media isn't kidding folks; the North Korean government is as wacky and unstable as ever. Also, who doesn’t like body farming? If you escape with one kidney, consider yourself among the lucky.
Call Wang at 333-12-7-JONG

 

2. Flint, Michigan

Tagline: "Jump in, the water is teeming... literally."

Safe to Visit if: You are heavily armed, black, or completely batshit insane

Major Problems: Violence, homelessness, unemployment, no night life. Best looking native women are pushing a shopping cart in the street, have four teeth, and are quoting The Book of Revelations to a stop sign.

Flintites don’t wish to brag, but we're sitting atop more lists than almost any other vacation spot. We dominate when it comes to highest unemployment, illicit drug sales, theft, unclean water, poverty, rape and (a party favorite) violent assaults. Situated on the sparkling waters of the Flint River, this diamond in the rough boasts more liquor stores per capita than nearly any other area in the country. Enjoy a drink with a friend or an eight-ball of crack with Jeffery, everyone’s favorite local crackhead.

 

1. The Islamic Republic of Iran

Tagline: "How did you get a flight out here?"

Safe to Visit if: You're Jewish. No, I'm kidding, that wouldn't be cool.

Major Problems: Nukes, global political relations, terrorism... would it be easier to focus on what problems they don't have?

Nobody parties harder than the Ayatollah and no country gets down like Iran. Here in the great Iranian Republic, there are no rules!* There is no drinking age!** You silly kids and your rapping musics will be having great times***, because there is no noise ordinance!**** And guys, no worries, there is no “legal” age!***** Ladies, don’t forget your Burkas!
SPRING BREAK IRAN 2008. Call 832-41-4333, ask for Ishmael

*There are no rules set by the government- please see Quaran for laws.

**You will be shot for possessing alcohol.

***You will be shot for possessing western music.

****We strongly encourage random airborne gunfire.

*****You will be castrated for fornication.

 

So you have it kids. And remember, the next time your questionably retarded roommate tries to book your spring break trip to one the above destinations, give him a swift boot to the nads from me, Drokk.

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