The Zombie Survival Guide, written by Max Brooks, took the literary world by storm when it was written in 2003. The tongue-in-cheek instructional guide explained precisely how to survive a zombie attack in the case of an outbreak. Not to be outdone, I have decided to compose an article detailing an alternative approach to an undead infestation...

Douse yourself in blood

While not an overly appealing idea in any situation, let alone a zombie outbreak, dousing oneself in blood is a surefire way to attract undead attention your way. This may not be an entirely bad thing, especially if you are a lonely, yet talkative, individual who would like to share a few intimate moments with someone who will stay and listen to you... before tearing you limb from limb and devouring your brain.

 

Isolate yourself in a room with lots of windows

If you're looking to survive the onslaught of the undead, hiding in a room with lots of windows probably isn't such a great idea. Think back to when you were a kid, and your fat Aunt Marge unknowningly plowed through the recently Windexed sliding glass door, resulting in a dangerous mess and an embarrasing trip to the emergency room. If a human can break through glass, so can a zombie. You know what they say, "Those who live in glass houses... will be the first to go in a zombie outbreak." Or maybe it was "Those who live in glass houses should save all those stones to throw at the reanimated corpses breaking into your living room."

Mindless fans at a Nickelback concert or an imposing zombie militia?

Construct a necklace of garlic cloves to wear around your neck

Remember, this is a zombie problem we're dealing with, not a vampire problem. If you're looking to "get down with the sickness," seasoning your flesh should expedite the process considerably. This also means you should leave that crucifix at home, because the disciples didn't write about any fucking zombies in the Bible.

 

Learn French customs and greetings

It's not the language that matters, dumbass. Lean in and give your undead "petit-ami" a little peck on the cheek, and repeat as necessary. And no, the zombie isn't a homophobe, the gnashing of his teeth on your jawbone just means he likes you.

Just a little kiss is all it takes. Let the love making begin!

Crowd surfing

The best way to travel through a pack of zombies safely is to crowd surf over them. Just pretend you're at a shitty Fog Hat concert... it will all be over soon. Realistically, the best way to navigate a crowd of the undead is probably a bulldozer, or perhaps the van from The A-Team. I pitty da foo' who wants to take a bite outta my black ass!

 

Human/Zombie...um...relations

I guess sex with a zombie would take away the allure of an unresponsive partner from all you weirdos out there. Yet, in a sick way, I think coitus with a reanimated corpse might blur the lines between distinguishing the really creepy, dysfunctional, disgusting rapists from the amazingly, impossibly distantly creepy, disturbing, mentally regressive, sociopath necrophiliacs. Whatever your illegal fetish may be, rest assured that it will almost guarantee your death when the zombie outbreak occurs.

That's probably a good place to stop, I'm about to throw up.