5. You've ever had to shout the phrase "More platters!" or "More soup bowls!"

Why can't those fucking dishwashers keep up? If the 16-year old degenerates didn't take a fucking smoke break every fifteen minutes, the rest of us would be able to get something done. Do you think the redneck at table twelve can tell the difference between medium-rare and medium-well? Oh well, I stopped caring when they stopped giving us a free meal on our lunch break. Where are those goddamn dishwashers? I'm gonna soak their hats in the sink and hide them in the freezer again... yeah, that'll show those bastards. Shit, Louis! Those onion rings are burning! ¡Esos aros de cebolla fritos queman!

4. Your boss is Bill Lumberg.

Do you have to mindlessly fill out excessive paperwork that serves no definitive purpose? Do you have to remember the new cover sheets for TPS reports? Does your favorite Swingline stapler always end up missing?

Your boss might be Bill Lumberg.

While very few of you are actually working in the movie Office Space, I'm sure that the guy who played Lumberg has a real-life job somewhere (sure as hell not as an actor!) and he could theoretically be your boss. So don't take any shit from him- steal hundreds of thousands of dollars from the company and have your bipolar-nutjob friend burn the building down.

3. You are required to sing "Happy Birthday" to strangers.

This is what it looks like when your soul is being sucked out of your body,
one brainless, repetitive lyric at a time.

First of all, how embarrassing is it when a bunch of random Applebee's employees surround your table and start singing happy birthday to you? "Thanks for drawing attention to me assholes! All I wanted was to eat a shitty, over-priced meal in peace and you've decided to take away my inalienable right to privacy as I fill my face with Quesadilla Burgers."

But you think that the customer has it bad? What about the poor employees? Their jobs suck enough as it is without having to be pulled away to sing to a total jackass stranger who just wants to cash in on a free dessert. Take a look at the above picture- the guy on the far left. Does he look like he's enjoying himself? No. He looks like he'd rather be getting an enema from an autistic third grader with glass shards for fingertips. Which, coincidentally, is also worth $5.15 an hour.

2. You aren't really sure what your boss does.

Hint: It's probably this.

Occasionally you'll see your boss scurrying through the hallways, looking like he's got some important business to attend to. Sometimes he'll look like he's digging through paperwork to find some inconceivably important document. Other times he's on the phone with (who else?) corporate, surely locking down some incredible business deal that will bring opulence and providence to everyone in the office.

But seriously, what the fuck does he really do?

All of the important tasks are assigned to department heads and experienced full-timers, so what could your boss possibly be doing with his time? You know that he does a pretty good job botching up the schedule and he is a pro at looking busy, but he doesn't stay late, nor would he ever step foot in the office on a weekend or holiday. In fact, you're convinced he also has stockpiled 9 months worth of annual vacation time. But seeing as it's not in your best interest to ask him, your boss' job shall remain one of mankind's great mysteries, like the Kennedy Assassination and the Loch Ness Monster.

1. Your co-workers could be replaced by functionally retarded apes.

Forget not knowing what your boss does- what about everybody else? Employees in all forms of industry have wondered at least once whether or not they were solely responsible for every important facet of the company.

That bitch Jill in accounting? All she does is talk on the phone all day to her fat friend who runs a hairdressing business out of her basement. And Paul, from engineering? He sleeps in the conference rooms and steals candy from other people's desks. Oh, and don't even get me started on Dave. Let's just say he does more than take a shit in the bathroom stalls.

And you get paid in bananas, which is totally not cool.

 

 

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