Mass murder is typically defined as killing a large group of people over a relatively short period of time. Diabeetis is the idiosyncratic way Wilford Brimley pronounces his disease. What's the connection between the two? Read on & find out why Wilford and 4 others are destined to kill hundreds of people/Goombas/Grimace.

Long before others fucked them, they fucked each other

Ben Affleck/Matt Damon


"Nothing is fucked here, Dude. Come on, you're being very un-Dude."

Tired of being constantly bedded, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon lash out. In what can only be described as a Dogma-esque killing rampage, Affleck and Damon kill everyone who has created a "I'm F***ing ____" video. With hundreds of crappy videos created, the death toll is enormous. Affleck declares 10 million Gigli DVD's must be sold before the killing stops. Reports indicate Gigli jokes are about 5 years too late but seriously, it was a really bad movie. The suspects are still on the loose.

Hamburglar

As is the case with many serial killers, Hamburglar started his life of crime off with the petty theft of McDonald's hamburgers. His failed attempts at hamburglary led to mounting frustration. It was at this point that hamburglary turned into hamMURDERly.


The real Hamburglar former NBA player Oliver Miller

Hamburglar crafty hands were used to strangle every one of his victims. "I started off with Grimace," Hamburglar told Arabian Monkey, "He was purple and stupid looking and shit so I snuffed him out!" After disposing of Grimace's body, Hamburglar threw Birdie into a deep fryer and served her Happy Meals. Catching wind of this, Ronald McDonald tried to reason with Hamburglar. Unfortunately for Ronald, once you kill once, murder isn't so hard the second and third time around. Hamburglar grabbed Ronald, smashed his head against the hard plastic play slide, and buried his body in the ball pit. A group of small children found Ronald's mangled body hours later and Hamburglar turned himself in the next day. He's currently serving 30 years in jail for two counts of first degree murder and 1 count of being a ginger kid.

Luigi

Always playing second fiddle, Luigi finally hit his breaking point. "Mario gets everything," Luigi told us from his prison cell in Mushroom Kingdom, "The games, the princess, the cereal boxes. I couldn't take it anymore!"


8 bit gameplay, 8 bit taste

Armed with fireballs and resentment, Luigi went on an epic killing spree within the Mushroom Kingdom. Luigi started by hurling fireballs at hospital wards and nursing homes. From arson, he graduated to murder. Luigi, a well known drug dealer in the Mushroom Kingdom, replaced all of the shrooms he had with a poisonious variation. Hundreds of Goombas and plumbers died as a result. Luigi is currently serving 10 consecutive life sentences and is not eligible for parole. John Leguizamo will reprise his role as Luigi in the summer of 2009 for the movie "Luigi's Massacre".

 

Wilford Brimley

 
The American Diabetes Association states "irritability" as a symptom of diabeetis. Well, Wilford took that irritability and killed people with it. Sick and tired of being ridiculed for his pronunciation of diabetes, Brimley took his love of cock-fighting to the streets. With a legion of trained fighting cocks at his disposal, Wilford commanded the fighting roosters to kill anyone snickering at his diabeetis.


What Wilford Brimley's angry cock may look like

After slaying countless people, Wilford stormed into Liberty Medical headquarters demanding his medical testing supplies. Witnesses say he was delirious, mumbling something about checking his blood sugar and checking it often. Surrounded by the police, Brimley took an empty diabetic needle and tried to fight his way out. His attempts to break out of LB headquarters ended as soon as they started. A gaggle of police officers subdued Brimley and took him down to the station, charging Wilford with five counts of first degree murder and three counts of kidnapping. Brimley will be eligible for parole in the year 2525.

Who else has a taste for blood? Leave your prediction in the comment section.

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