Dude.

 

Dude, wake up.

 

 

 

What the hell is wrong with you?

 

 

Wake the fuck up!

 

Oh, hey man. Yeah, so you're probably wondering what you're doing here.

Oh, for sure, yeah, you're definitely dead. You don't remember? Shit man, you were tooootttaaallly wasted.

Yeah, right from your window.

Into traffic too, couldn't have timed it any better.

But anyway, now that you're here, I should prolly explain just what being dead means. You're pretty much stuck up here, and then... wait, what? You say you were Mormon?

Oh no dude, I totally get it, we all make changes for women. It's no big deal though, God's not the kind of jealous dick that everyone makes him out to be; he's actually pretty cool.

But anyway, I'm sure you've got a lot of questions, not the least of which being all the trippy fuckin' lights you've been seeing all over the place. Hmm? You wanna talk about eternal salvation and all that shit? No, c'mon, I wanna talk about the lights. Chill out bro, it's not like you're going anywhere.

Listen, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, I'm just really into all the lights around here. They all have symbolic meaning, and you ought to know what each of them means. The following guide should let you know what to do when you encounter each light.

 

Red Light: Pretty much the same as on earth. Red means stop, whether it be at a traffic intersection, or maybe during that time of the month with your special lady.

Blue Light: Dude! Blue lights mean HUUUGGGEEE savings! Hurry over to the Martha Stewart Collection; they've got throw pillows 30% off!

Yellow Light: Asian Crossing.

Black Light: Welcome to my sweet party! It's five bucks for a cup, and you can use these markers to make sweet designs on your shirts and... WHAT THE FUCK?!? IS THAT A SEMEN STAIN?!?

White Light: If you saw a white light, someone screwed up and you're dying again. Whatever you do, don't walk towards it.

Busch Light: It's cheap, and it'll totally get you drunk.

Lite Brite: Just put the colored pegs into this cheap black particle board thing, and then turn the bulb on. Yeah, I know, you totally can't make the sailboat from the box, I think you need two sets for that.

Light Ranch Dressing: Dude, seriously, don't even fuck with it. The extra calories are totally worth the taste; light dressing reminds me of thick, white piss.

Light Sabers: Unless you want to mess with the Sith, you should probably steer clear of these things.

This Little Light of Mine: I'm gonna let it shine. Don't let Satan PPHHFFTTT it out.

 

I think that's pretty much it; just keep your eyes peeled, and let me know if you spot an extra Lite Brite set anywhere.

Other than that, just make yourself at home- there's beer in the fridge, 70 virgins in the Jihad Lounge and God hosts a poker game every Thursday night at eight. Welcome to the afterlife buddy.

 

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