Wow! You did it! You survived high school, and now you're ready to take the next step towards a good old-fashioned American education- college. College life is going to be totally different; it's like a fresh start in a new life. So now would be the time to forget about the freshman you knocked up at your graduation party... and the three MIPs you got over the summer. Oh, and don't worry about that thing with Aaron either, no one will ever find out. Your secret is safe with me, man.

Anyway, back to the whole college thing. One of the biggest changes you'll encounter is the type of students you'll be going to school with. Granted, everyone knew some kids in high school that annoyed them, but let's face it, we were all just trying to get by and not have to take summer school classes. There weren't many kids that didn't share a lot of character traits with you- your economic background, social status, general interests, etc. College is a whole new world though, a new world loaded with crazy people. And you're gonna have to take classes with all of them. But fear not- the following is a collection of every weirdo you will ever encounter in a college classroom.

 

The Nerd

This kid sits in the front of the class and takes an absurd amount of notes. He sometimes draws unicorns, trolls, and other mythical creatures in his notebook. After school, he plays Dungeons and Dragons or Magic: The Gathering with his pimply-faced, greasy-haired friends. He is into Star Wars, Star Trek, and everything else to do with stars, wars, and treks. You are pretty sure he doesn't know what a vagina looks like. He is friendly in that introverted-stalker kind of way, but sometimes you discreetly ask him for help on your chemistry homework. You still pick on him though, considering him your social inferior.

 

Creepy Guy That Sits in Back

This gentleman wears a hoodie to class everyday and sits in the very back row of a 300-person lecture hall with only 28 kids in it. He stares at everybody and doesn't say much, but when he does speak, it is only to add something strange and inappropriate to the conversation. The weirdest thing about him is that he never brings anything to class- no pencil, no paper, no books... and it makes you wonder if maybe he is just looking for an opportunity to follow you home.

 

Even Creepier Guy That Sits in Front

This fellow is a middle-aged man that sits in the front row of your college class. He often interrupts the professor to tell a story about his personal life, or maybe just to yell something totally irrelevant. He shows up grossly over-prepared, with a package of pencils, a ream of paper, and the course books for the class two levels above the one you're in. He may seem like a decent guy, but don't jump to conclusions, because he is fucking nuts. He kinda has that serial killer vibe working for him, you know, the kind of guy you'd see on the news one night via an artist's sketch. Then they catch him in your BIO103 class two days later, and the police find dozens of bodies buried in his backyard. Pretty standard.

 

Wrong-Answer-Loud-Talker

There is always one of this guy in every class. He is confident that he knows more about the subject at hand than anyone, including the professor, and goddamnit, he's gonna let you know about it! Whenever a question is posed to the class, this guy shouts the first answer he can pull out of his ass. The worst part about Wrong-Answer-Loud-Talker is that he is blindly confident in his own intelligence. Therefore, when you laugh at him for saying there are 12 inches in a yard, it only inspires him to answer more questions, as if he can redeem himself for being an idiot.

 

Man Tits

Not much to be said here- he is the stereotypical fat guy. You're baffled that he can lug his mammoth frame to class on time, but one thing is for sure- he is sweating up a storm when he gets there. He has a better rack than 75% of the women in class though, and after a few drinks, you probably would go gay for him for that reason.

 

The Sleeper

This kid apparently has a terrible case of narcolepsy. He is a master of his craft- he gets to class early to sit in a spot where he knows there will be kids beside and in front of him, hence obstructing the professor's line of sight to his lifeless, drooling body. As soon as the lights get dimmed and class is about to start, this kid is out like a light, and nothing short of World War III is going to wake him up.

 

How Many Pages Girl

This woman is the queen of asinine questions. Whenever a professor gives an assignment, no matter how simple or mundane, she pipes up and asks a barrage of questions. "How many pages should it be? Do you want it double spaced? What sized font should I use? Is arial font okay? Do you want page numbers? How do I site my sources? When is it due? Can I turn it in early? Can I just e-mail it to you? What class is this again?"

 

45 Minutes Late Lady

"Oh, hi! I'm a little late! What did I miss?"

This girl shows up 45 minutes late for a 60 minute class, then panics and tries to copy your notes and take her own at the same time. I always have one question for this lady... WHY EVEN BOTHER SHOWING UP?!?!? YOU MISSED EVERYTHING. I AM NOT GOING TO HELP YOU.

 

See You Next Test!

This guy is one of my favorites. He is a slacker by trade. He knows EXACTLY when he needs to be in class in order to pass, and that will be the ONLY time he attends. You can trust his judgement- after all, he's been in school for 8 years getting his bachelor's degree.You'll probably only see him when there is a major test, but he might pop his head in the door to hand a classmate a paper that is due. What, you really expect him to sit through a boring lecture just because there's a paper due?

 

The Middle-Aged Mom

This type of student appears mostly at commuter colleges, where at the age of 45 she is attempting to go back to school to get her degree in communications. She often volunteers wrong answers in class, taking the bullet for all the kids who didn't do the reading. Funny thing is, she did read the material...twice. Often while the professor is speaking, she will raise her hand and politely wait several minutes to be called upon, only to share a story about her son, daughter, or pet. Just keep talking middle-aged lady, because the professor is younger than you and feels like she has to let you finish your story. She is friendly. You think silently to yourself that she could be divorced and looking for a teen stud to take home. Then again, you saw your grandma naked once on accident, and you're confident you aren't in to old women.

 

Honorable Mentions:

Laptop Anime Kid

I'm Gonna Eat My Four-Course Meal in Class Lady

Same-Clothes-as-Yesterday Guy

 

If you enjoyed this article, you will most certainly enjoy the rest of Arabianmonkey.com.

 

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