Chuck E. Cheese's- the 1990's mecca for birthday parties and communicable diseases. As children, we never cared how dirty the rides were. We didn't mind the terrible food. In fact, we weren't even bothered by having to fork over 500 tickets for a light-up wrist band and two green army men. Why, one may ask, did we enjoy going to Chuck E. Cheese's? The games. But some games weren't as popular as others- in fact, some weren't very popular at all.

 

5. Find the Razor in the Ball Pit

Rumor had it that you could win a lifetime's supply of free tokens if you ever found the razor in Chuck E. Cheese's ball pit. Despite their fancy promises, the promotions people weren't true to their word- most kids that found the elusive razor only got trips to the hospital and painful tetanus shots. Those lucky razor finding kids were rarities, however. Most of us only found dirty socks, hypodermic needles, and fecal matter.

 

4. Whack-a-Mullet

For a brief period in the early '90s, Chuck E. Cheese's debuted a game with an interesting take on the classic "Whack-a-Mole." Whack-a-Mullet allowed tormented youths to vent their frustrations at home upon plastic representations of their mulleted parents. The game fell out of favor as the mullet slowly declined in popularity, but word on the street is that some original Whack-a-Mullet games are still in operation at several NASCAR race tracks.

 

Don't get too close to the stage...

3. Mr. Munch's Revenge

Mr. Munch was the purple monstrosity that accompanied Chuck E. Cheese and the rest of his magical band mate hooligans for their automated musical performances that inevitably interrupted your meal of shitty frozen pizza, shitty watered down fountain pop, and shitty tasting game tokens.

These taste worse than you would think.

According to chuckecheese.com, Mr. Munch's bio reads as follows:

Birthplace: Unknown
Species: Unknown
Occupation: Keyboardist/ Song Writer
Hobbies: Eating
Favorite Pizza: All
Favorite Saying: Let's Eat!

So basically, he's like the poor man's Grimace. Now, before you start drawing similarities to the artist Meatloaf, let me tell you that Mr. Munch was solely responsible for the obesity epidemic of my generation. He was like the starving artist type- but not so much with the starving. He epitomized selfishness and gluttony, encouraging millions of American children to eat until they couldn't squeeze their fat asses into the virtual reality go-kart ride.

Mr. Munch's Revenge was not so much a game as it was a punishment for all those who ventured too close to the stage. All of the kids "in the know" would dare their friends to approach Mr. Munch during one of his performances... he's only a robot after all, right? WRONG. When innocent flesh was within arm's reach of Mr. Munch, his alien crazy brain whirred his pseudo-animatronic body to life and unceremoniously devoured any child foolish enough to approach him. Despite numerous complaints and lawsuits from parents, Mr. Munch was allowed to remain on Chuck E. Cheese's payroll because of a healthy fear from the company's upper management. And, well, he was one hell of a keyboardist.

 

2. Don't Tell Your Parents

Hey kid! Sshhh... Listen. You wanna play a really fun game? Why don't we ditch this kiddie ski ball bullshit and head on over to the bathroom, where they keep the good games.

<15 minutes later>

That was really fun. What are you crying about? C'mon, stop it. Do you want me to take my lighter out again? Huh? Do you wanna get burnt again?!? Good... now, you've gotta understand that this game only gets you tickets if you don't tell anybody that you played it. You've got to keep your mouth shut, and if anyone asks you where you were, you have to promise you've never seen me before. Why the fuck are you crying? You do want the tickets don't you?

 

Help! There's a fat kid stuck up here!

1. Free the Fat Kid from the Tubes

Everyone's least favorite game at Chuck E. Cheese's was to free the fat kids that got stuck in the play tubes. There was nothing worse than crawling around, having a great time, only to approach a bend in the tubes where there was a log jam of future heart attack victims. Simply shoving them forward would only worsen the situation; usually some sort of lubrication (like your pizza grease) was required to ease the play tube congestion.

 

Got any other sweet ideas for bad Chuck E. Cheese games? Post them in the comments!

 

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