Avril Lavigne Still Sucks

          The worst Canadian import since SARS continues to infect American music, dragging everyone down with her. Avril Lavigne’s boyfriend, Derek Whibley of Sum 41, braved the Great White North and traveled to his wife’s homeland only to find poor ticket sales and people who mispronounce simple words such as “about.”

          Things hit rock-bottom for the group when they relocated their latest concert to the Sum 41 fan club’s Canadian branch headquarters, AKA Ellen Duff’s parents' attic. The group failed to sell-out, citing poor publicity. Whibley was later sighted crying in the corner with a homeless man who was upset because concert promoters promised him 5 dollars to show up.

Avril's biggest fan.

          Lavigne, meanwhile, continues to have her own problems selling tickets. It might have something to do with the fact that she sucks! So she has done what every young singer does when in a pinch… launch a clothing line! The clothing line that no one will ever wear is slated to be called “Abbey Dawn” and will be aimed at pre-teen girls who think they are hardcore because they use too much eye-liner, but still pretend to be girly because they wear pink.

          While I assume this clothing line is a cruel joke, I’ve been assured that it is really going to happen. Industry insiders say the line will consist of lots of clothing to aid oneself in hiding from the sun. Designers seem to think Avril Lavigne’s pale skin will draw in a large vampire crowd. Other pieces in the line will have special mascara pockets for all those girls that love to cake the shit on like Avril!

 

An Even Smellier Clothing Line

          Don’t get me wrong, I love Matthew McConaughey. Especially when he’s uttering those amazing words every pedophile laughs at but secretly means: “That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.” But sometimes you have to put your foot down.

          Listen Matt, I know you were cool in “Dazed and Confused,” and you were pretty funny in “Ed Tv,” but after years of terrible romantic comedies enough is enough. You’ve got to get your shit together. You did your thing playing bongos naked and getting stoned 24/7. It was funny when you nailed a million chicks because you played the sensitive guy. But after what seems like 5 years spent working out and posing for chick magazines on the beach, I’m getting a little tired of your crap.

Ah, the good old days.

          For those of you that don’t know, Matthew McConaughey isn’t all that cool anymore. In fact, he’s pretty gross. His not-bathing-for-weeks-at-a-time hygiene plan is pretty gross, and the fact that he’s done a movie with Sarah Jessica Parker really just kills any respect I previously had for him. Now the dude is endorsing a beach bum clothing line, and he’s linking it to “Dazed and Confused,” by calling it “j.k. livin’,” a line he’s already lifted on several occasions before from the movie.

My, how the mighty have fallen.

           You, Mr. McConaughey, need to stop it. I’m sure lots of women love you, and I’m sure you’ve got tons of money, but hold onto your pride. I’d rather wear Abbey Dawn swim trunks at this point.

P.S. More “U-571,” less “Failure to Launch” this year.

 

Whoopi is Pissed

          Whoopi Goldberg is pissed, and while she may have the right to be, I can’t help but laugh. In the Oscar montage of the best moments over show's history, she was noticeably among the few people missing, despite both hosting the program and winning an Oscar in the past. She calls this a snub, I call it justice.

Whoopi is even afraid to be associated with herself.

          Think about the woman's biggest achievement that isn't Oscar related. Yep, you guessed it- it is being one of the five people who watched “Whoopi,” her own flop of a sitcom from 2004. Honestly, there should be limits to what is called a “snub.” For instance, if you’ve already ruined your own career, you shouldn’t be allowed to call out others for not showcasing your previous successes.

          To prove my point, here’s a list of 3 reasons the Oscars shouldn’t have linked themselves to Whoopi Goldberg:

3) Her 1995 role in “Theodore Rex.” Seriously, I think this movie poster says enough:

2) The fact that she is on THE VIEW! When you are picked as the next best thing to Rosie O’Donnell, it’s time to reflect on your past career choices and ask yourself, “How did it get to this point?”

1) Oh crap, I forgot I only had two reasons. I guess for this one you could re-read #3 and insert the name of any of the following movies: Soapdish, Loaded Weapon 1, Eddie, Sister Act II, Rat Race, Homie Spumoni, or Monkeybones.

          Note to Whoopi: Run away from Barbara Walters, stop doing every script that comes your way, and lose the dreadlocks (we’re all tired of them). Also, please don’t try to bring back "Hollywood Squares", you weren’t funny on that show either.