Be warned, the stories Max Power chooses to satirize in his Celebrity Slam columns are very likely either stretched truths or completely fabricated. So don't go spreading rumors about what you read here (this is a humor site, in case you haven't noticed).

Bonaduce’s Problem’s revealed

            Since Danny Bonaduce’s reality show “Breaking Bonaduce” was cancelled, we can only assume one thing- the man is still broken.  Now comes worse news for the Partridge family castoff- he has recently been photographed without his pants on.  Normally this would be good news for a guy trying to find any way to get media exposure, but not in this case, seeing as Bonaduce's manhood can apparently fit into a thimble.

            Making matters worse, Gary Corgiat, a marriage counselor who had a recurring role on the reality show, is suing.  He alleges that Bonaduce’s unwillingness to disclose personal information made it impossible to help Bonaduce.  Now his practice is suffering as a consequence of his publicized failure to fix the unfixable star.

            “Had he let me know of his miniature manhood issues, maybe I could have made a difference. Instead, I have lost all credibility,” said Corgiat.

            Further exacerbating the situation are the latest polls of drunken bar whores.  One out of every 25 women polled claim to have not been satisfied by his childish member.  The other 24 out of 25 claim to not sleep with former Partridge family members who grew up acting like they are much tougher than they really are.  Some also said that red hair was a sign of the devil.

            As a result, Bonaduce is trying to regain his dignity through the media. At the very least, he’s hoping for better results than the last time he attempted to up his tough-guy-status.  A few years back he fought Donny Osmond in a charity boxing event, winning by decision, proving that it only takes a little rock-n-roll to put up a fight against Bonaduce.  Nothing says “tough” like having to go to the judges for a decision against an Osmond, so hopefully this time Danny will fight someone he’s capable of knocking out, like Screech (or an asthmatic 12 year-old.)

            With any luck, Bonaduce could use the latest news about him to get a new reality show.  Some of the ideas floating around out there include a show with twenty plastic surgeons vying to be the one chosen to “increase” his dong size.  Another idea is a game show where people guess the amount of drugs in his system at any time.  A third and final show slated to air on a foreign network is called, “Punch the Partridge in the Face.”  So far the third show has had 10,000 people inquire about guest appearances.

 

Hogan Knows Least

            Hulk Hogan is in the midst of a divorce battle with wife of 20-plus years, Linda Hogan.   Linda apparently filed for divorce after the two spent three weeks apart.  Hogan claims to be shocked, thus proving being beaten over the head with metal chairs for two decades is not good for your sanity.

This leathery, lizard-like creature is also not good for your sanity.

            Linda, who looked more like a tag-team partner than the typical celebrity wife, is looking for more than Hogan can offer.  It seems the Hulkster, now in his late 50s, can only offer up body oils, hair bleach, and stretched out man-tights.  She also asked for his remaining dignity in the divorce papers.  Recent reports show, however, that he has none to give after years of wearing spandex in front of millions of wrestling fans.

            Although it was just a few years ago that “Hulk-a-mania” ruled pop culture, things have been looking grim for the Hogans lately.  The couples’ youngest, Nick Hogan (17), crashed a car while intoxicated, bringing about several lawsuits.  Apparently Hulk was trying to solidify his father-of-the-year standings by buying his boy several cases of alcohol before the joyride that nearly ended his son’s life.

            But not everything has gone wrong for the Hulkster.  He is hosting the new “American Gladiators” television program.  Spectators from the first show say things went well until he muttered his signature catchphrase, “Whatcha gonna do???”  It was at that time that Linda Hogan popped up on the jumbotron and yelled, “Divorce your old ass.”  Hogan broke into tears and hasn’t been seen since.

Hogan hasn't cried this much since he was still sucking on nipples for nutritional purposes.

            Some paparazzi claim to have seen him trying to break into a horse farm to “borrow” tranquilizers.  Hogan has a history of using horse tranquilizers to ease his pain.  It eventually led to an odd time in his life where he fought under the moniker “Hollywood Hogan,” and claimed to start the N.W.O. wrestling federation.

           Others just think that he’s busy scouting land to open up the first weightlifting/steroid/tanning/hair bleach store in California.   Industry insiders have told him for years his plan wouldn’t work.  But Hogan insists that Donatella Versace alone would splurge thousands of dollars everyday.

 

Either Jennifer Lopez is expecting a child soon, or she has grown quite the crotch ponch.

J-Lo is Pregnant

            Jennifer Lopez is pregnant. Well, actually, she’s been pregnant for months.  Only now it’s big news because she has admitted she’s pregnant, breaking the trend of Hollywood women adopting aliens from poor countries (or in Madonna’s case stealing them).

            J-Lo’s announcement came at the right time since several sporting good stores were accusing her of eating their basketball inventory.  One Dunham’s representative still isn’t sure.

Jennifer... what is that you've got there?

            “My boss docked my pay 6 cents,” yelled one illegal immigrant.  “That’s half my pay... and for what? So she can pretend she’s pregnant.  Everyone knows that woman’s well dried up years ago…”

            The representative continued to hurl accusations at J-Lo, suggesting that she is truly older than she leads on, and that she ate a basketball during his shift to start rumors about a pregnancy. Either way Lopez’s pregnancy/possible basketball eating frenzy would be a step in the right direction for her career right now.

            Last week was a devastating one for babies.  Upon People Magazine's announcement that babies were no longer the "in" thing, several celebrities have ridden themselves of the fall fashion.  Some were quite creative in their disposal of babies. The Afflecks got rid of baby Violet by putting her up for adoption, Britney Spears’ had her children taken away, and Brangelina set up a new country for their 53 immigrant children.  The most shocking storyline, however, unfolded when Tom Cruise ate his child, Suri, claiming that the “mother-ship” told him to.

            Meanwhile Lopez’s husband Marc Anthony says his wife’s pregnancy proves that unlike fellow Latina singer Ricky Martin, he is in fact a man and has the junk to prove it.  Danny Bonaduce has called “dibs,” on the organ transplant if Anthony should meet an ill demise.  Bonaduce warns that Anthony could meet such an untimely end if he ever comes across someone who has paid 10 dollars for one of his albums.

 

 

 

Check out our sponsored links!