Arabian Monkey is proud to present its newest column, Celebrity Slam. Each week, (or whenever, really, we're not into the whole "deadlines" thing) Max Power will take a look at three stories in the entertainment world and put a funny spin on them. Be warned, the stories he chooses to satirize are very likely either stretched truths or completely fabricated. So don't go spreading rumors about what you read here (this is a humor site, in case you haven't noticed).

Britt Stiffers Become Stiffees

The latest celebrity news comes as no surprise to many of our readers. Britney Spears has “stiffed” her dancers, as reported by CelebTV. This comes as a big surprise to her male dancers, as they are used to “stiffing” her.

When asked about the news one of her dancers said it was reprehensible. According to industry sources Britney had long paid dancers “with fine white ass” or cold hard cash, whichever was more readily available.

“That ass ain’t fine no more,” quipped one of her backup dancers, clearly upset that the cash flow had stopped.

The latest problem arose when Britney offered herself as payment to her dancers, in lieu of more conventional payment. In the past things had always worked out great with backup dancers taking a crack at Britney’s… well you know (crack). But now, considering the alternative payment practices disgusting, most dancers aren't settling for anything short of a fistful of George Washingtons.

“I’d rather put it in a New York City ATM,” said one dancer choosing to remain anonymous.  “The problem isn’t that she’s ugly, it’s that you never know what you could find in there-  loose change, an old VMA, another kid..."

Further complicating the situation, The Better Business Bureau and OSHA have announced that they will be looking into the complaints of the dancers.

 

Ryan Gosling Convinced Blowup Doll is Real Girl

(Hollywood)- Owners of several area restaurants were shocked when Ryan Gosling showed up to dinner with a blowup doll.  According to formally filed complaints, several patrons noted that it was “unwelcome behavior."

Guests were assured that Gosling was simply trying to get in character for his latest movie Lars and the Real Girl, until someone pointed out the film had already been shot and is showing in limited release across the country.

A spokesman for Gosling had no comment, but industry sources say that Gosling got “too close” to the doll during shooting. Since the film Ryan has been seen in several Hollywood hotspots with the blowup doll- he was even cited for public disturbance when he got in an argument with it on a crowded bus during rush hour last week.

“He kept calling it a dirty, dirty, whore,” said one onlooker. “I’d never heard such awful language, he kept screaming something about cheating on him with John Stamos... I didn’t think that guy was alive anymore."

  With his agents tight-lipped about the situation, there is no word on whether this is simply an odd publicity stunt or a true mental breakdown. 

 

Charlie Weis Vows to Stop Eating...For Two Hours

Football players in South Bend look to have finally turned it around, after an embarrassing discovery. Apparently several Notre Dame football players misunderstood the meaning of the sign, “play like a champion today,” that hangs in the hallway before going onto the field.

“Someone told me the definition of ‘champion’ was missing tackles, dropping balls, and playing with the ability of a JV player,” said senior nose tackle Neil Kennedy.

Coach Charlie Weis allegedly discovered the misunderstanding in week 3, but the issue went unnoticed as Weirs was distracted by new concession stand foods.

Kevin White, Notre Dame's athletic director, says the new concession menu wasn’t the best idea the team ever had. “Hoagies? You’ve got to be kidding me! We hire the fattest coach in Notre Dame history and someone decides to start selling hoagies? The man hasn’t called a play since week 2!”

Notre Dame players hope to salvage the rest of the season by passing out new editions of Webster’s dictionaries, as well as disbanding the new hoagie stands. Coach Weis says he will do his part in turning the team around by vowing not to eat for two hours if the team can win two games in a row. Weis made it a point to note that he never said the 2 hours would be continuous.