Remember when MTV played music?  Me neither, but what I do remember is watching Celebrity Deathmatch in the late 90's (somehow I think that show still exists today).  I was reminded late last night while surfing YouTube just how funny some of those shows were.  I’m not sure what I liked more, the jokes or the thought of Steven Tyler punching Mick Jagger in the mouth.  Anyway, it got me thinking: what if we could arrange some REAL celebrity deathmatches?  Who would make the cut?  Who would win?  I tweaked the Max Power system a little bit and came up with 3 superb match-ups, and even a surprise ending...

 

Super Light Weight Bout

Mary-Kate Olsen v.s. Nicole Richie

Richie (left) claims to have trained by snorting coke twice a day, and intermittently mixing in fifths of Vodka.  Mary-Kate (right) is still 5 in Japan.

                The implications of this match up are just downright scary!  It’s hard to imagine the immense number of broken bones that could occur in a single fight (I’m certain with all the binging and purging between these two girls that there is some major calcium deficiency going on).  This assumes that either girl has enough energy after their latest trip to the bathroom to even get out of their respective corners and fight.  Unfortunately, due to Richie’s pregnancy she’s been moved up a weight class, so a battle with Mary-Kate may not be possible. No worries though, my favorite VJ/punching bag/zombie Carson Daly would be happy to step in.

Prediction: Carson Daly thinks the fight is a joke, so he attempts to turn it into one of his horrid late-night monologues.  He makes a joke about Full House followed by the line, “cut it out.”  Offended, Mary-Kate tags in sister Ashley Olsen who happens to have spent the past 2 years learning jujitsu.  Carson never saw it coming.  The Olsen Sisters win by TKO!  Seriously, if you haven’t figured it out by now, I really don’t like Carson Daly. 

 

Super Drunken Bout

Kiefer Sutherland v.s. David Hasselhoff

Sutherland's gun (left) was confiscated before the match. Similarly, Hasselhoff (right) had his hamburger confiscated before the match.

                Can you say pay-per-view?!? I dare you to find someone not willing to pay money to see this fight.  Hasselhoff is such a mess that he not only drinks until he can’t feed himself, but he gets is wasted enough to make his daughter videotape it.  This guy is an absolute train wreck.  Speaking of accidents, aren’t we all just waiting for Sutherland to die in a drunk driving accident?  He seriously has more DUI’s than the love child of Jim Beam and Daisy Duke.

                As for the actual fighting I wouldn’t expect much.  The real fun in this fight would be both of their inabilities to land a punch since they both hit the sauce too much before the match to “numb the pain.”  After the match, Terrell Owens' former publicist will tell us Hasselhoff has 10 million reasons to commit suicide; after all, that’s how many people stopped watching his new reality series after they discovered Pamela Anderson would not be guest-starring.

Prediction:  After Hasselhoff repeatedly orders his car KIT to run Sutherland over, he comes to the realization that KIT isn’t real and tries to choke himself to death by eating a hamburger.  Unfortunately for us, he fails miserably.  Meanwhile Sutherland is convinced Hasselhoff is hiding the “good stuff” in that unshaven mess he calls a chest.  While attempting to rummage through the Hoff’s chest forest he gets entangled and passes out.  Hasselhoff wins!

 

Super-Awesome Bout

Dustin Diamond v.s. Carrot Top

I don't know what is scarier, the fact that Screech (left) thinks he can beat anyone up, or the prospect that Carrot Top (right) may not be wearing underwear in this picture...

                Dustin Diamond is up for any show with the word "reality" in it, and after cleaning Ron Palillo’s clock on Celebrity Boxing II, this guy’s ego got too big.  Diamond really thinks he’s the shit!  He even made himself look like a bigger ass than everyone else on celebrity fit club (that doesn’t appear to be that easy folks).  Meanwhile, Carrot Top went from being a red-headed pussy comedian to becoming a ripped red-headed pussy comedian! Sure he’s still annoying, but now you don’t want to be the guy to tell him that to his face.  Instead you sit at home and laugh at how dumb he was to ever release the movie, “Chairman of the Board.”

Prediction: Dustin Diamond shows up to the fight and pisses himself when he realizes Celebrity Fit Club’s Harvey Walden is waiting in the front row in case Carrot Top doesn’t finish him off.  Diamond comes out swinging, but since he’s fat and pushing 40 he consistently misses.  Carrot Top doesn’t do much better since he attempts to use his props to fight.  Unfortunately Diamond gets a second wind and beats up Carrot Top.  Luckily, Harvey jumps the ropes and stays true to his word, beating Diamond to a pulp.  He than reveals the new cast of Celebrity Fit Club! Britney Spears, Jon Lovitz, James Gandolfini, and Tyra Banks will all make an appearance, but upon the announcement, a fourth unscheduled fight breaks out between two fit clubbers at the concession stands…

 

Unexpected (and Super Heavy Weight) Bout

Britney Spears v.s. Tyra Banks

Put these two hotties in your spank bank!

                No, these two aren’t fighting over who used to be the sexiest, who’s getting the fattest quickest, or even who has the least self-respect these days.  Instead, these two former hotties are fighting over the last dozen hotdogs left at the stand.  Harvey should have known better than to leave these two hogs alone.

Prediction: Tyra busts out her old modeling heels and her newly acquired 300 lb. thighs to attempt to squash Britney.  Unfortunately for Tyra, Britney has also packed on the pounds and her flabbiness protects her from the attacks.  Britney lunges forward to sit on Tyra, but with her expert runway modeling skills Tyra spins away and avoids her.  Tyra then points and yells “Look! Skuzzy backup dancers!” This distracts Britney long enough for Tyra to gorge herself with the final hotdogs.  Upset with the lack of food at the venue, Britney does what she does best, she squats and shoots out a child like a cannon knocking Tyra out cold!  Britney wins the street fight!

Editor's Note: Here's an alternate ending-

Tyra tries to stab Britney with her modeling heels, but they get stuck in Spears' gut. Britney lunges at Tyra in an attempt to sit on her, but Tyra uses her modeling skills to spin away. However, the force of such a huge object spinning creates a gravitational field that sucks up all the hotdogs and some unfortunate spectators. Britney, upset that Tyra took the delicious hotdogs, lifts her skirt to expose her vacuous vagina, which inhales Tyra, the spectators, the other fighters, and the entire ring. END.