Every American man loves three things: outdoor hockey games, $.50 wing nights, and ice cold beer. Here at Arabian Monkey we would love to cover all three, but for right now we'll just stick to the brewed stuff. Each week, we will sample three varieties of beer, from commonplace to extraordinary, from delicious to depressingly disgusting. The beers will be rated on a five point scale, and they will be judged on taste, appearance, smell, drinkability, and overall inebriating effects. Let's delve right in to the reviews- as Homer Simpson once said, "Beer... now that's a temporary solution!"

 

Beer #1

Weihenstephaner Kristall Weissbier

$2.99/pint, 5.4% ALC

The Gerk: There's nothing like finding a liquor store with an imported beer section, and that's where I found this pint-sized beauty, brewed in the oldest brewery in the world. It has a rich flavor, but it doesn't over power you and it isn't a heavy beer, despite the high alcohol content.

Demonic Laughter: It goes down smooth and doesn't taste so bad, but I can't help but noting how much it reminds me of Moosehead Lager. It smells ever-so-faintly of moose fart.

The Gerk: Yeah, but I have to say that since our excursion with Moosehead all beers smell a little better to me. This one doesn't have such a pungent aroma that it makes everything you drink taste like it. Plus, it also has a good aftertaste, unlike Moosehead, which reeked of depressed anal gland and had an aftertaste of watered-down urine.

Demonic Laughter: How do you even say this beer's name? Weiner-step-hanner?

The Gerk: That's irrelevant. German beer is good despite bearing unpronounceable words on the label. This beer also gets you drunk pretty quickly. A pint of this WKW and a few Labatt Blues will send you on the way to a pretty nice buzz.

Weihenstephaner Kristall Weissbier:   3 out of 5

 

Beer #2

Dragon's Milk: New Holland's Oak Barrel Ale

$6.99/ 1 pint 6 ounces, 9% ALC

Demonic Laughter: I read somewhere that this was the "beer of kings," which I assume beats the piss out of the "king of beers."

The Gerk: Yeah, Budweiser tastes like water compared to this stuff.

Demonic Laughter (after a few sips): Oh mighty dragon, I don't know if I can drink you. You are such a man's beer.

The Gerk: Like other foreign beers, Dragon's Milk is very thick and dark, and it also has a high (9%) alcohol content. This beer is not for the faint of heart.

Demonic Laughter: It is thick, strong, and dark, like a black man's penis. And it's very filling. It is like a meal in a bottle. And shit, it costs about as much.

The Gerk: You are disgusting, but you're right, eight bucks for a bottle is a little too much for my tastes. Why is it so expensive? Did someone have to actually milk a dragon to get this stuff?

Demonic Laughter: Haha I don't know, but if that is the case, dragons must drink a lot of coffee. The beer is so strong that it almost has a caffeine aftertaste. I like it, but it costs a lot and it is kind of hard to drink after you eat half of a large pizza.

Dragon's Milk:   2 out of 5

 

Beer #3

Labatt Blue

$14.99/ 18-pk., 5.0% ALC

The Gerk: Labatt Blue is one of my personal favorites. Canadian beer is the best in the world.

Demonic Laughter: I think some other countries might not agree with you, but I do. After growing up on shitty watered-down beer from the U.S., Labatt provides a nice change of pace.

The Gerk: It is rich, smooth, and it tastes just like a beer should. It isn't so strong that you can't drink it, but it isn't so light that you feel like a woman sipping a wine cooler. Need another reason to love Labatt Blue? Hockey games. It is the perfect hockey beer.

Demonic Laughter: Well, and Molson, but that's another review for another man-date. I think I like Labatt because of the old commercials with the bear, remember?

The Gerk: Of course I remember, and obviously so does Youtube.

Labatt Blue :   4 out of 5

Do you have a beer that you want us to try? Simply post it's full name and where to buy it in the comments!

 

If you enjoyed this article, you will most certainly enjoy our first beer review, as well as the rest of ArabianMonkey.com.

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