Every American man loves three things; a lazy Sunday afternoon watching football, big breasted women, and ice cold beer. Here at Arabian Monkey, we've covered plenty of football, and we refuse to cover big breasted women (get it?!?). That leaves us with beer, which the two of us will cover in great detail for your reading pleasure. Each week, we will sample three varieties of beer, from commonplace to extraordinary, from delicious to depressingly disgusting. The beers will be rated on a five point scale, and they will be judged on taste, appearance, smell, drinkability, and overall inebriating effects. Let's delve right in to the reviews- as Homer Simpson once said, "Beer... now that's a temporary solution!"

 

Beer #1: Tap Room No. 21 Pale Ale

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"Celebrating the Repeal of Prohibition 1933!"

The Gerk: First of all, Tap Room No. 21 looks like they printed their labels at home with copy paper and used an Elmer's glue stick to attach them. And second of all, Tap Room No. 21 apparently brewed this beer at home too... in a toilet.

Demonic Laughter: While you're taking a sip it's not so bad, but when the aftertaste hits you, you realize that this beer tastes like regret. You know, if you could taste emotions. I'd imagine you could enjoy Tap Room No. 21 if you were really depressed.

The Gerk: No, I'd imagine it would taste worse then. You'd be more depressed because you would question the existence of God. Seriously, if a higher power exists, he wouldn't allow a beer like this to be made.

Demonic Laughter: Yeah, I've never drank urine before, but I'd imagine it can't be much worse than this. Trying to finish this beer makes me feel like a pussy- it questions my manhood.

This is Demonic Laughter after a sip of Tap Room No. 21 Pale Ale.

The Gerk: You know how when you were little and your mom would want to spray OFF! on you so the mosquitoes would leave you alone? And one time you accidentally opened your mouth and the bug spray got all over your tongue? That is EXACTLY what this beer tastes like.

<Halfway through first bottle>

The Gerk: BUUURRRRPPP... Aaarggghhh

Demonic Laughter: Doesn't it feel like it's fighting its way back? Like it is attacking your throat? Every time you burp I taste it.

The Gerk: It's hard not to try to burp and let this shit out- as soon as you swallow a sip your body just naturally tries to give it a means to escape.

Demonic Laughter: Yeah, this turpentine makes me think maybe I bought a prank beer on accident.

<After the last sip>

The Gerk: Well, there is one good thing about Tap Room No. 21 Pale Ale- it's got a 5.7% Alcohol content, so if you can force yourself to drink it, it'll get you pretty hammered. But in all honesty, it makes me wish we were still under prohibition.

Demonic Laughter: It feels like we just accomplished something by finishing a bottle of that beer. I would rather be kicked in the nuts than have to try to do it again, though.

Tap Room No. 21 Pale Ale:   1 out of 5

 

Beer #2: Blue Moon Belgian White Ale

The Gerk: This is one of my favorite beers. It is sweet and has a full taste to it, and if you drink too much and throw up, it's actually not horrible on its way back.

Demonic Laughter: I just can't get over the sweetness to the aftertaste. It's like a dessert that is really good at first, but then you eat too much of it and it makes you sick.

The Gerk: That is kind of the appeal to Blue Moon. It's more of a "sipping beer," to be enjoyed slowly instead of pounded like a Busch Light.

Demonic Laughter: I have to admit that it does taste pretty good. It's got a fruity smell to it, kind of like spice cake.

The Gerk: Yeah, but it's a pretty good change of pace. Kind of like a big third down running back in the NFL. Blue Moon Belgian White is also a pretty good chaser for shitty beers, like Taproom No. 21 Pale Ale.

Demonic Laughter: I like it, it's the most interesting tasting beer I've had.

Blue Moon Belgian White Ale:   3 out of 5

 

Beer #3: Moosehead Lager

The Gerk: The first thing you notice about this beer is it's horrible smell. The bottle and the beer are almost see through, and they both smell like an apartment full of terrified skunks.

Demonic Laughter: No, it smells more like a depressed anal gland.

The Gerk: A depressed anal what?!?

Demonic Laughter: A depressed anal gland. You've never heard of depressed anal glands? Okay, well, every dog has two glands in its ass. If one of them gets swollen, you have to put your hand into their ass and squeeze the gland to relieve to pressure, or the dog could die. It makes skunks smell good.

The Gerk: ...

Demonic Laughter: The beer really doesn't taste too bad, if you can get over the smell. Plugging your nose works, but if you're the type of drinker who inhales as he sips his beer, you're gonna get a face full of moose fart.

The Gerk: I agree, the beer isn't bad. It's watered down, surprising for a lager with a 5% Alcohol content. It has little to no after taste, but the smell stays burnt in your nostrils.

Demonic Laughter: And it doesn't sit well. I'm feeling a little sick. I've come to the conclusion that Moosehead Lager is offensive to all of my senses.

After we finished our first Moosehead Lagers and drank some more conventional beer (Bud Light), the second adventure to the land of Moosehead wasn't so bad. Your body is somewhat used to the smell, and the beer is easier to drink. Therefore, we give Moosehead Lager a 2 out of 5.

Moosehead Lager:   2 out of 5

 

Do you have a beer that you want us to try? Simply post it's full name and where to buy it in the comments!

 

 

If you enjoyed this article, you will most certainly enjoy the rest of ArabianMonkey.com.

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