Every male has had to have one. The ol' pull down your pants, turn your head and cough exercise. Undoubtedly, we've had at least one doctor who has been spent a little too much time poking and prodding your private parts. You know what the weirdest part is? The awkward small talk the doctor tries to make with you while he's feelin' around down there. Well, here's a list of some of the worst things you can hear while your doing the no pants dance.

"Yes sir. Micropenis is a medical condition"

"That's cute!"

Usually, this is coming from a female doctor. If it's coming from a dude, you might have more problems than just being small. "That's cute" usually means something is small, fuzzy, and adorable with the possibility of being glittery so you figure it out. Your pride is going to take a hit and any chance you had at scoring with the hot female doctor is gone.

 

"Hahahaha your dick is so small!"

Laughter

Oh no! You are probably really confused at this point. Am I inadequate? Are my sores oozing puss? Did that smiley faced tattoo on my johnson really turn out that bad? All are possibilities.

 

Crying

Your dick might smell like an onion or is in fact an onion. You didn't really have the decency to bathe before you went for your physical? Great... now your nicknames include Fat-Tits, Douche Douchinson, and Onion Dick. For the rest of your life, you'll walk down a city street and people passing by will say "There goes Onion Dick, king of the smelly schlongs."

 

"All your ball are belong to us!"

*Glub* *Glub* *Glub*

I don't know what Doctor Octopus says but maybe octopussi say glub. I don't really know. My point is this guy has 4 bionic tentacles. You have two testicles. That's 2 cold, metal tentacles for each ball. It doesn't add up! By the way, why doesn't Doctor Octopus have 8 tentacles? Doesn't -oct usually mean 8? I don't know about you, but if I know I should have 8 metal tentacles touching my balls and I only get 4, I'm going to be disappointed. Give me maximum tentacle-to-testacle coughing action.

 

Max Power's doctor

"Where you been stickin' that thing?"

This happened to Arabian Monkey writer Max Power recently. While at the doctor, Max decided to ask the doc whether or not the sores on his penis were of any concern. I don't know all of the details but basically the doctor asked him where he had been "stickin' that thing" and Max's dong ended up out of his pants. No worries though. The doctor cleared Max of any weird diseases. Long story short, Max learned that goat love isn't always the safest love or something like that.

 

"AH AH AH one ball... AH AH AH AH... ummm... one ball? AH?"

"Hi. My name is Dr. Acula."

"Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula."

Dude, you are fucked. Your pants are down by your ankles and there's a guy in the room who would like nothing more than to suck the blood out of your main vein (that's a slang term for your penis... hahahahahaha....penis). Anyhoo, someone biting on your penis hurts, especially if they have those long vampire teeth.

 

"I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express."

People that stayed at a Holiday Inn Express have a lot of options. They can be professional athletes, lawyers, cops, etc. So, why is this guy using his might Holiday Inn Express powers to touch your balls? Who knows. Do you care to find out? Hell no! Get the hell out of there!

 

"Wait a second, let me go grab my camera."

Either you have a unique venereal disease or pictures of you are going to start poppin' up on the internet.

 

"Drop your drawers sucka! Don't worry. It ain't nuthin but a 'G' thang."

Don't worry about a thing dude! Seriously! Dr. Dre received his doctorate of ballin' from North Washington Academy and received a honorary doctorate in female escort management from Compton U.

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